Turning 30

I knew it was eventually going to happen and now it has. Im no longer in my 20′s which was a great decade of my life and one that in some ways Im sad to leave. Over the last ten years Ive married the woman that I love and I’ll spend the rest of my life with. I’ve been a part of watching PMI grow and change people’s lives including mine. I’ve finished one chapter of education and started another. And, I’ve gotten to experience the indescribable joy of becoming a dad and getting to know my little Henry (which for some reason makes me want to cry any time I write about him).

Over the last six months I’ve thought a lot about turning 30 and its been with mixed emotions. With everything that has happened in the last few years re: PMI I’ve felt somewhat ahead of the game for my age which created a sense of comfort about where I am in life. Not in an arrogant way at all, but I felt like I had accomplished something to be in my 20′s and have been a part of something that the Lord was doing that was growing and successful. In the back of my mind there has been a little voice saying something along the lines of “when you turn 30 none of that is going to matter and you’re going to be starting over”.

I certainly realize there is probably some pride issue wrapped up in there and a lack of acknowledgement of the role that I play in something the Lord is doing rather than the other way around. Honestly, I think it has more to do with a lack of knowing what is next. I dont know what the next 10 or 20 years of my life will bring and it seems that 30 represents a new start which makes me feel like I need to be making some directional decisions.

As I spent some time praying about it and reading through a book that Steve gave me I’ve realized the importance of constantly seeking out God’s guidance through that process. I love what John Yates offers in terms of viewing our relationship with God as a wise mentor in our lives:

Imagine spending time with a wise man who wants to train you to be successful in your vocation. You can learn much of what you need to know if you’ve come to the place where you appreciate and listen to this mentor. To move deeper in our relationship with the God who wants to teach and guide us, we have to get over our adolescent rebellions and become trainable.

Imagine this mentor as an older man who is rich in the wisdom of senior years. He is experienced in many ways simply by the fact that he has lived a long time. But he has also done well; he is honored and respected. He is in full possession of all his talents and faculties. He makes himself available to you because he sees you as a son and wants to have a mature, strong relationship with you. This is a tremendous opportunity. You have much to learn and he has much to offer, and so you both decide to make time to be with each other every day.

I love the wisdom in these words. In my concern about what is next I have the opportunity to seek guidance from the greatest source of direction that has ever existed. Not only that but from a God who knows me intimately and cares deeply for me. Having that knowledge offers me both peace about the present but also a great deal of confidence about the future.

Whatever apprehension I have about the future is also accompanied with great anticipation about what is next. I can look at the history of the Lord’s provision in my life and the way he’s blessed and know with certainty that great things are to come.

Im thankful for my 20′s and all that took place during that decade. Today Im excited to start a new decade and I know it will be a season of growth, challenge and blessing that I’ll look back fondly on.

Hannah Loves Deer Hunting

On more than one occasion the Alexander’s have found themselves in a lively discussion regarding the sport of hunting. Generally, it is the result of me not feeling supported when I accomplish some barbaric goal in the woods while Hannah is pushing back due to her extreme distaste for guns and overall view of hunting as redneck, especially deer hunting.

In some senses we have simply agreed to disagree about hunting. I have realized that there is really nothing I can do to make her sense the excitement I derive from harvesting an animal. Likewise, I think she has realized that it is just simply something I love to do and even though she doesnt understand it she can still be as supportive as possible as long as it doesnt involve looking at pictures of dead animals, touching carcasses, or eating venison (even though she tries to act like she likes it).

I would like to go ahead and clear the air on a few things relative to hunting. First, I do think that there are many strange things about hunting. One of the most obvious is that your goal is death – ie. if you achieve your goal and are successful in your hunt it means that something else lost severely. Secondly, the whole machismo, redneck, hard ass thing that sums up 90% of hunters makes me nausea0us. Finally, I have come to realize that certain types of taxidermy (huge turkeys) look extremely ridiculous and it’s amazing that I was ever able to believe it was a good idea…and Hannah you cant use that against me if I ever decide its a good idea again.

After thinking through the reasons why not to hunt I started thinking the real reasons why I and other people I know hunt. Its probably not the same for everyone but here are a few of mine.

Im sure that its the same with many other sports but the camaraderie that you experience when hunting is unlike any other Ive had the chance to enjoy. Whether it is an early morning drive to turkey hunt or a conversation high in the Rockies while taking a mid day break from elk hunting, you get to experience a different side of people. I love the time when I can join friends in the field with a goal in mind and whether we are successful or not just the time spent together is always amazing. I can recall so many conversations over the last decade that took place leaning on a truck bed, sitting in a blind or grabbing lunch after a morning hunt that are etched into my memory and all of them are positive.

For many hunters the kill is the ultimate goal. For me it is generally the destination. Whether it is a small tract of land, a pond, a friend’s cabin or a dock, I find myself thinking about the place itself more than the hunt. This is probably because so many of my early hunting days were spent on Keith’s farm in Hancock where I learned how to hunt and how to enjoy taking a walk in the woods. The time that he and I spent there was always the best and the bunkhouse is where we spent countless hours thinking up big hunting plans for the next morning (and then sleeping in), watching every western movie imaginable, and grilling cheap steaks. When my mind drifts and I think about a place of peace and relaxation I often think about sitting on the porch of that bunkhouse and dozing off as the sun warms up my face on a cool fall day.

Finally, I think its just about being in the woods. I am such a planner and generally strive for a controlled environment but when you go hunting you quickly realize that everything is out of your hands. You can play the wind, the moon, the approach and have all the right gear but ultimately you can not control the movement of the game. There is something about just making myself be still in an unpredictable environment that is healthy for me. It always amazes me how exciting it can be to watch a deer walk out, hear something crunching in the leaves or hear a gobble well before the sun comes up – its so simple but so exhilarating.

The truth is that if hunting was only about killing animals I would have quit long ago. The first several seasons I hunted deer I think I saw a total of about three and killed a grand total of zero. While that was frustrating I quickly realized that my enjoyment of hunting had far less to do with the animal and far more to do with something inside me that needed the experience of being outside with my friends. That certainly remains true today as well and I hope that if Henry enjoys hunting at some point in his life that he will feel the same way.

Looking forward to Montana.

A Thought About Life and Death

I dont think it would be an exaggeration to say that people have been impacted by the death of Steve Jobs. I’ve found it somewhat fascinating how many have responded to his passing. As I was telling some friends last night it almost feels like Apple was a religion and the god of that universe has been taken away – it seems like people worship their products and clearly the one who had the vision to create them.

On Wednesday night I was sitting with several classmates working on an operations management assignment when one of them said “Steve Jobs is dead”. In that moment the very first thing that went through my mind was”I wonder if it was worth it?”. By that thought I simply meant the amount of time it must have taken and tireless devotion to seeing apple become what it has. Was it worth the sacrifice of family? Was it worth the wealth attained? Did it provide a significant personal sense of purpose? No one would argue on the contribution that Steve Jobs made through his innovative thinking. But as he approached his death I wonder how he felt in the last days?

From what I have read about Steve he was a buddhist, he remained isolated much of the time and he had a book produced about his life so that his children would know who he was because by his own admission he wasn’t there for them like they needed him to be. Clearly he held a worldview where contribution to society and success was prioritized over relationships…over people. Yet somehow in his lack of relational focus he has an entire nation and much of the world mourning his death as if they have lost a friend.

I am sorry for him and the pain that he endured as cancer destroyed his body. I can only imagine how awful it must have been to see everything that you worked on be taken from your leadership and ultimately lost completely with death. I feel for his children who will only get to know their father through a book and for the pain that will cause them. I am sorry for the last moments of his life when he must have realized the gravity of the decisions he made.

Steve’s life serves as an example to me in a few simple ways. His life reminds me that placing anything above faith and family for even a small portion of your life is a gamble when our next breath is not guaranteed. I hope that my faith in Christ will always inspire a worldview that is about relationships above all else and whether my life is perceived a success or failure by the world, my legacy will be in those who I invested in with what time I had here on earth.

 

Baby Henry

To say that Im having fun with my little Henry boy would be a huge understatement. Sometimes I think we have smiling contests because I cant stop smiling when he is around and he always greets me with a huge three tooth smile when he sees me. He is getting to that age where I can be a little rougher with him, he can ride on my shoulders, he wants to do everything Im doing and I really love it all.

On Sunday night Hannah went to Bible study which meant that Henry and I would hang out and then Id put him to sleep. After taking him down to the first meeting for the PMI December trip we returned home and I got his bottle ready. Once we settled down he began his funny process of taking two sips and then crawling all over my arms and back. Eventually though he calmed down, his eyes got heavy and and he began to drift off.

As he started to doze he began stroking my face and looking directly into my eyes. Those were precious moments for me as I sensed that he may somehow know how much I love him and want to protect him and treasure him.

I have so many hopes for Henry and hopes for myself as well. I hope that I can be the kind of dad that will give Henry confidence and courage to approach his life without fear. I hope that I can be a picture of both grace and discipline in his life so that he will understand freedom but also maturity. I hope that he will always know how much his smiles and hugs mean to me and that I will always want to know everything that is going on in his life.

I was sharing with Hannah on a walk several weeks ago that Henry’s birth had changed my identity without me even recognizing it. God has given me the privilege of being Henry’s dad and when I think about all the things that I “am” there are few that can compete with the significance of that.

I am so thankful that I have been given the opportunity to experience fatherhood. Nothing else in my life has ever allowed me to so clearly grasp the love of Christ and the depth of His desire to be involved in our lives. I can relate to His desire for us to be still and find rest in Him – it is exactly what I hope for Henry.

Henry – You are so special to me and no one will ever compete with the place that you have in my heart. I love you little boy.

Six Years

Hannah,

I have these moments on occasion when I look at you and think about all of the things I am still going to learn about who you are. At other times it seems like there was probably never a time when I didnt know you. Somehow after ten years of being together including six years of marriage it just seems like you must have known me even when I was a boy.

You are the purest definition of a friend in my life. There is no one more committed to and supportive of me than you are. In every situation you uphold my reputation and give me far more credit than I am due. You make me feel loved and cared for whether that is letting me wake up Henry late at night for a hug knowing you’ll be the one to nurse him back to sleep or simply affirming me when you sense doubt or weakness.

You are still the same person who I fell in love with ten years ago but you have become stronger, wiser and more beautiful over the course of our time together. I think we have done a lot of growing up together and the trust that has been built through that process is at the foundation of our relationship.

I am so thankful for the woman that you have become. You have transitioned into motherhood perfectly and your love for our little boy makes me love you even more. I have enjoyed watching you fully embrace a new role and not fear the change that this season in our lives has brought.

I know that I used the verse Proverbs 18:22 in Ed and Claire’s wedding but its truth is so evident in my life. “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” You are so much of the goodness in my life and I have undoubtedly felt the Lord’s favor through our marriage.

The last six years have been amazing. This last year was one of the best without question. I am looking forward to the next 60 years with you and all that will happen throughout the course of that time.

I love you in ways that words will never express and Im sure I do a very inadequate job at showing you. But, I do hope you know how wonderful I think you are.

Happy sixth anniversary!!!

PS – I got us floor level Alison Krauss tickets for Sunday, August 14th to celebrate!!

Losing G

Ever since I was a little boy I have always had labs. The first was a female black lab named Stormy that we got when I was in middle school. She was a great family dog and for me it was the beginning of a big appreciation for the breed.

When Hannah and I got married and moved into our first home together in Charleston it didnt take too long for me to convince her we needed a dog. In March of 2006 I drove up to the mountains and picked a little chocolate lab out of the mix which we named Barley and she instantly became our baby. She had a wonderful personality but after getting attacked by a large dog when she was six months old she seemed to change slightly and not be as comfortable around other dogs.

Fast forward several years and a new house on James Island and I was ready to add to our family in the form of another puppy. I felt like it would be good for Barley to have another dog around to force her into being a bit more social. Fortunately, we were able to bypass the puppy stage as we adopted a big, docile, sweet white lab named Glory who needed a new home.

The last few years have been a lot of fun with Miss G. I can honestly say that I’ve never known a dog with such a sweet personality that pretty much just wanted to eat, sleep and snuggle. Her feet were the size of bear paws and Im not sure she would have ranked too incredibly high on the intelligence meter but she was definitely the kind of lab you want to have. Additionally, we often joked that Barley became Glory’s bitch because Glory was so protective of her and would always make her sleep right next to her regardless of how many times Barley tried to get away.

Over the past year I noticed Glory showing signs of aging but I didnt think too much of it because we thought that she was just 8 years old which is relatively young for a lab. She was having trouble getting up, showing some pain in her hips and every night she would head back a little early and put herself to sleep before anyone else.

On Tuesday night I could tell something was bothering her but I really just thought it was fleas. After giving her a late night flea bath I went to bed and she followed soon after. Throughout the night I could hear her stomach growling but I didnt think too much of it since she always had stomach issues and I had already cleared the mornings schedule to take her to the vet. When I woke up at 330am to use the bathroom she was laying on her bed with Barley so I didnt think too much about it. However, when I woke up again at 630am to go get Henry I saw her laying with her head and shoulders on the bathroom floor and to my shock she wasnt breathing.

I wasnt really sure what to think or do. I turned to Hannah and said “Glory is dead” and walked out of the room to grab Henry. I wish I would have communicated that a little better but I was so caught off guard that it just came out very bluntly.

After quite a few tears I decided that I would take her to the farm where I hunt and bury her there. As I made the drive up to the farm it was tough to think about losing a dog that had become a big part of our family and I went through waves of sadness throughout the trip. Thankfully I was able to pick out a pretty spot and give her a nice place to rest that I’ll pass each time I go up there.

The rest of the day was spent trying to be productive and get work done but feeling unmotivated. As I told several other people I was really caught off guard with how much her death seemed to hurt that day. At times I wept for reasons I dont even really know – I couldnt figure out what about the situation was creating such a strong reaction but I think it was simply the loss of a sweet, positive presence in our lives.

One thing that I have been learning a lot over the past year is that time has such a huge impact on perspective. In the moment on Wednesday I was sad for the loss, felt guilt over what I could have done to prevent it and simply frustrated that it all happened so fast. Now that Ive had a couple days though I can look at the situation and just be glad that we had her for the time that we did. Even though she was just a pet, she was a blessing to Hannah and I and we both have memories that Miss G was a big part of.

One thing is for sure – when we get another one she will come from the same line as Glory because that dog was pretty near perfect.

Miss G, you were a very loved dog!!

April 15th

While I was in Uganda about a month ago I got an email from Ed asking if I would consider speaking at he and Claire’s wedding. Immediately, two thoughts came to mind. First, I was honored that they would trust me with delivering the message on the day of their marriage. And second, I realized that I probably wasnt going to enjoy the week leading up to their wedding very much.

On Sunday morning, April 10th I sat out on our front porch and spent some time reading in Romans and Matthew while also spending a little time in prayer. After an hour or so I thought I should grab a pen and jot down a few thoughts for the wedding just to see if anything new came to mind. In about 30 minutes I had my thoughts collected on a little scratch pad and I was pleased with how they had come together. I really believe the Lord gave them to me.

For the next week I began the Matt Alexander signature process of public speaking. It typically begins with a general understanding of the outline, followed by partial memorization, followed by total memorization. All of these stages are interwoven with varying levels of stress and anxiety where I think about everything that could possibly go wrong.

What was interesting about this “speech” was that I found myself being very moved by the words. Im not sure if it was the inclusion of Bradley or just simply how much I care about Ed and Claire but I found myself in tears more often times than not when I would rehearse it. In some ways I think it reminded me of how seldomly we tell people how much we love and appreciate them. Communicating support and encouragement is powerful and I think that was evident in the emotions it evoked in me. (Im also just a complete softy now that Henry is here – its embarrassing)

An hour before the wedding, Ed’s groomsmen had the privilege of praying for him. It was wonderful to hear the sincere prayers of his close friends blanketing him in protection and love. It was amazing for me to feel so confident about the marriage on the basis of the evidence of their relationship. There was no question in my mind that Ed was a better man because of Claire. No question that the Lord had used their relationship to challenge him and force growth. No question that he was a better leader, friend, man of faith and child. And definitely no question that he was ready to be married.

At the end of the day that is why it was such a blessing to be able to speak at their wedding. What I was able to say was not necessarily a feel good message or something intended to contribute to an attractive service. I was able to speak on the basis of how I truly feel about my friends. There was no exaggeration.

I love Ed and Claire’s relationship because its honest. I dont know that I would describe their road to marriage as easy. The process that they walked through was full of fun but it was also full of challenge. I love that their decision to marry wasnt on the basis of whirlwind but was actually just a decision to commit. I certainly dont take anything away from how much and how well they love each other but I do believe in the moments that will inevitably come where they dont feel that same love, I know they will be drawn back to each other through the commitment that they’ve made.

It was certainly an amazing wedding. The word celebration just wouldnt leave my mind on the 15th. I think its pretty fitting.